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I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate all the shows on the food network that follow this formula:
1. Three head bakers from three bakeries around the country.
2. Two judges that are the best in their “cake field”, sometimes a third judge, and the client.
3. They have 6 - 9 hours to make one cake themed a certain way.
I think this formula is BULLSHIT. I highly doubt that even the best baker on Earth could make a prestine cake in any theme with limited resources and staff in 6 - 9 hours. They basically give them a fridge, a conventional oven, a tray of ingredients, and an airbrush. Thats it. Here, make a 300 pound, 6 foot high cake about monkeys in 6 hours.
And then, it gets hilarious. All the judges wander around and criticize (not critique) all the bakers about how shitty of a job they are doing. They should just skip the BS artsy fartsy language and say “This cake sucks. Your fondant looks like a vagina. I don’t even want to eat the cereal treats you used.” All their criticism is vague and bland, like “you really didn’t take this seriously and show the style I’m sure you are capable of.” Well excuuuuuuse me Mr. Fantastic Cupcake Maker. Let me go and read some philosophy on art.
Next is another kicker. Usually each team has to overcome some ridiculous feat of strength or finesse to move their cake to the show room. Sometimes it’s as simple as carrying it to a table. Other times they make you wheel a cart up a 30 degree, 8 foot long incline and hope you don’t drop it or knock it over.
Usually the cake that wins is the one that sucks ass the least, unless of course, as portrayed by an episode I saw last night of some stupid cake competition, you whine about not winning the past 5 contests you were a part of. Then you can win. Hooray for you.
The prize was 10,000 bucks. I bet Buddy Valestro makes that in a day from cake sales. He’d probably beat the shit out of them anyway if he even dreamed about competing.
Anyway, I hate cake competition shows.
